Everything You Think You Know About Chick(pea)s Is Wrong.

These cookies are so good, they might cause you to question everything you know about baking, flour, Veganism, and possibly life itself.

Eating Whole's Chickpea Chocolate Chip Cookies

Eating Whole’s Chickpea Chocolate Chip Cookies. Photo by Eating Whole.

Even YOU wouldn’t be able to tell these cookies are mostly comprised of garbanzo beans. They would even fool my dad, who has a sixth sense about being bullshitted into eating anything too healthy.

My Dad. Major bullshit detecter.

I started writing this post before I even ate one. The raw dough alone is reason enough to make you want to quit your job and go live under the porch of Cafe Gratitude

Cafe Gratitude in LA.

Cafe Gratitude in LA.

Here’s the recipe. I substituted real chocolate chips with Sunspire Vegan Carob Chips so my lactose intolerant husband could eat some and I wouldn’t get too fat. But I am 100% certain that they’d be better with real chocolate chips because WHO ARE WE KIDDING?

Sunspire Vegan Carob Chips

Sunspire Vegan Carob Chips.

I got them at Whole Foods, a place that white people like me REALLY like.

I cannot say enough about the Eating Whole blog. It’s spectacular. And so inspiring. Special thanks to Rachel Thurston for bringing it to my attention. Rachel is equally spectacular and inspiring. Check out her mad photography and writing skills and be prepared to be moved deeply. But try not to make her talent make you feel too badly about yourself. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep with jealousy.

I use these cool tissues.

But back to the cookies. Actually, the raw cookie dough is better than the finished product. And I am not even a huge fan of raw cookie dough. Kinda like how I feel about The West Wing, I can take it or leave it. Mostly leave it. 

When you bite into one, they’ll make you channel your Inner Clay Davis.

I’m not saying they will make you forget ‘real’ chocolate chip cookies forever…but these have protein, people! And are gluten free and (can be easily made) vegan.

If you need any more inspiration to try this recipe, check out the feelings of longing they inspired in Pico. 

"It's so not fair that I can't have any fucking cookies."

“It’s so not fair that I can’t have any fucking cookies.”

That should be enough to get you to embrace the chickpea. 

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Posted in Recipes, Food

In Praise of Sweatpants. With apologies to Cindy Crawford.

I like to spend most of my time at home dressed like a new mom. AKA someone who doesn’t have time to look all that presentable (sorry, Husband). I am not a new mom, or a mom at all (that is, as far as I know….wink wink). I am merely a seeker of comfort. 

I’m not saying that I will wear sweatpants to that hot new club I’ll never get into…but running errands? Yes. Slothing around the house? Required clothing.

A friend of mine recently lamented that there is no such thing as a cool pair of sweatpants. This is a sad and dangerous misconception. Has she been talking to Cindy Crawford again? I believe it was she who famously said that she wouldn’t be caught dead in sweatpants. But that just leaves more for me.

But said supermodel most certainly must have changed her mind since Monrow came on the market a few years ago.

Monrow Snakeskin Vintage Sweatpants in Dark Heather.

Monrow Snakeskin Vintage Sweatpants in Dark Heather.

Monrow Snakeskin Vintage Sweatpants in Neptune.

Monrow Snakeskin Vintage Sweatpants in Neptune.

Monrow Camo Vintage Sweats in Dusty Blue.

Monrow Camo Vintage Sweats in Dusty Blue.

Monrow Fish Bone Tie Dye Sweats in Neptune.

Monrow Fish Bone Tie Dye Sweats in Neptune.

DISCLAIMER: YOU WILL BE PAYING A SHIT-TON OF MONEY FOR THESE COOL NEW SWEATS. 

Worth it. You will never take them off, and hence eliminate the need to buy any more clothing ever again. They’ve also been known to go on sale, and sometimes can be found for less cash on sites like Amazon or Piperlime.

See? These are not big, baggy I-gave-up-as-soon-as-that-ring-was-on-my-finger type of sweats that people wear to Walmart. These are slim-fitting and flattering and über comfie.

They’re like that girl in high school who was too rich and pretty to be friends with except that she turned out to be super nice and cool and down-to-earth so you took a chance on her and turns out now you couldn’t imagine life without her. 

Sloane Peterson. But you k now that.

Sloane Peterson.

Of course, I do acknowledge that it really helps you rock a pair of sweatpants if you have a Kate Moss body. But I am not advocating a cocaine diet.

I am advocating something, though.

I must admit that I look a lot better in said sweatpants since adopting a gluten-fee-and-mostly-vegetarian-with-a-healthy-dose-of-vegan diet. But that is for another (annoying) post (that you won’t read). But…I cannot resist pointing out that, unless you’re an endurance athlete – and I mean hard core athlete – losing weight has about 80% to do with diet, not exercise. You should do both, but I swear by eating mostly vegetarian and gluten free and steering clear of super cardio, which can only makes us (me) more hungry and dehydrated. More yoga, less spinning, I say.

Need inspiration? Check out this blog called Eating Whole.

Lecture over. Unless you’re in your 20’s. Then do whatever the hell you want and enjoy it while it lasts because it does not last. Even if you tell yourself that you’ll be the exception. That is what I used to do. (Sad music plays in background.)

This was me.

This was me.

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Posted in Favorite Finds

Korean Spas: They’re Not Messing Around

I have always wanted to check out a Korean spa, but was hesitant because I feared they wouldn’t be user-friendly, as I hate being bad at things. Turns out my fears were totally justified

Raylan Givens

Raylan Givens.

But alas, I was ultimately lured in by the promise of a transcendent experience. Here is where best friend Ling & I ended up. Special thanks to spa-and-pretty-much-everything-else-savvy Erica  for the recommendation.

When we checked in, we were not offered a tour, so I had to ask for one. (Scowly face.) The attendant gave us the most cursory tour in the History Of Cursory Tours. She REALLY had something better to attend to.  It was like she had a Hot Pocket waiting for her that was at optimum eating temperature. I kept asking her questions as she inched away and I inched towards her. We were totally foxtrotting.

So we were basically left to figure things out on our own. (Key scary music.)

When we arrived at our lockers, Ling remarked that it reminded her of a prison, where everyone was milling about in the same uniform. Then the woman next to us said that this place was WAY better than a prison, trust her, she knew.

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

I quickly realized that when you enter the spa, you are no longer in America. You are in Korean Spa Country. And everyone is a native. Except you. 

WTF IS GOING ON?

There are signs stating that bathing suits are not allowed. I am not sure what happens if you wear one, but I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW. 

Oh shit 2.

Oh shit 2.

So everyone, as a rule,  is completely naked. This place has more vaginas than The Wolf Of Wall Street.

Anyway, needless to say, within minutes of arriving I broke an enormous Spa Rule. 

There was a shallow, narrow body of water that ran along the side of the jacuzzis. It looked like a foot bath, so I asked Naked Stranger standing next to me what it was and for some reason heard, “Step right in and trudge around.”

BIG MISTAKE.

As soon as I stepped in, I heard a commotion. I looked up with wide eyes and was greeted by a sea of angry faces above the partition across the room.

Prairie dogs.

Yep, a sea of workers got all Angry Prairie-Dog on me, shrieking that I get out of the pool. Actually, I think that was what they were saying, but it was all in Angry Korean Language. 

Everyone in the spa stopped and stared at me. And trust me, it sucks to be yelled at by a bunch of angry clothed women when you’re naked.

I immediately deduced that I was standing in Holy Water blessed by the Pope, but apparently it was a pool of clean bath water. Bath water that you are supposed to sit beside and pour over you into a drain. Yeah, that was REALLY OBVIOUS to a gringo. It would have been really helpful if Hot Pocket had mentioned this during our tour.

Fucking Hot Pocket.

Fucking Hot Pocket.

Soon after, it was time for my nearly 2 hour Goddess Treatment. The treatments take place on what look exactly like dissection tables, with your naked neighbor directly across from you. And if you time it right, you can look directly up her hooch when it’s time for you to turn over. 

I was skeptical about my treatment for about 30 seconds. Then the technician, who most certainly is a Dominatrix Gymnast by night, scrubs you within an inch of your life, continuously pours warm water all over you, washes your hair, and massages you ferociously. The experience can only be described as The Best Thing Known To Mankind.

After our identical treatments, Ling & I sat and talked about the experience for about 20 minutes, with the hushed voices and glazed eyes and newly converted cult members. The Best Thing Known To Mankind.

I cannot recommend a visit to a Korean Spa highly enough. It’s weird and foreign and naked and perhaps questionably hygienic, but it’s also pretty transcendent. For $130, I lost my dignity, and about 2 pounds of dead skin. And gained an incredible sense of peace and balance. Consider me a convert.

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Posted in Spas

Turkish Towels For The Win

Image from Bath Style.

Image from Bath Style.

I have never uttered or written the phrase “For the win” until now: I was saving it for something special. And that something special has presented itself in the form of Traditional Turkish Towels.

Turkish Towels are also known as Pestemals and Foutas, which sound like delicious snacks. (fast forward to 1:14 – you won’t be sorry)

Not sure where I have been since the 18th Century when such towels first made their appearance, but I purchased them on a whim a month ago and they’ve made an awesome addition to my already fulfilling life.

Photo by Bathstyle.

Image from Bath style.

They’re…

handsome

reasonably priced

super absorbent

super soft after a few washings

quick to dry 

lightweight for travel

naturally smell and mold resistant

easy to conceal in your luggage if you visit a friend who owns questionable towels, or visit Your Hometown.

Photo courtesy of SNL

Photo courtesy of SNL.

 You can use them for…

Awesome & affordable gifts

Sarongs or scarves

Tablecloths

Beach-ing

Pool-ing

Gym-ing

Shower-ing

Trips to Turkey

They are much sexier to wrap around your post-swim body than a bulky Pedestrian Towel. Just ask these sexy beasts:

Image from Turkish-T

Image from Turkish-T.

Image from Turkish – T.

And, they have been known to make frequent appearances on world-famous beaches such as St. Tropez and Cannes, where people apparently aren’t allowed to carry their own umbrellas. 

Asshat.

Asshat.

On a recent yoga retreat to Maya Tulum, (no words) the beach towels we were advised to bring took up about 50% of our suitcases. For shame!

 Here is where I bought mine. Depending on the day, they are as low as $10 each.

After reading this, you are probably wondering how you have survived thus far without Turkish Towels in your repertoire. I’m not sure either. (slowly shakes head)

Image from Burke Decor.

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Posted in Favorite Finds, Party Planning

Rockstar Feta, Sundried Tomato & Rosemary Spread

Photo by Julie Maigret

Photo by Julie Maigret

I don’t use the word “Rockstar” lightly, people. I should be charging thousands of dollars for this recipe but, no, it’s yours for free.

It’s so good that when I dropped and shattered a freshly made jar all over my kitchen floor the other day, I literally jumped up and down screaming, “NOOOOOOOO!!!” and felt murderous the rest of the day.

Ingredients:

Olive Oil
Balsamic Vinegar
handful of fresh Rosemary
lemon or orange slices – 2 to 3
Feta cheese – about 5 ounces
garlic – about 3 heads
sundried tomatoes – about 4 ounces
salt (optional)
crackers

Getting started:

I recommend using a Swing Top Glass Jar with a rubber seal and clamp lid, but if you don’t have one handy, a simple Mason Jar will do. Mason jars are so in right now, that they’re not even in any more. So they are totally cool again.

The Swing Top Glass Jars really present well, and we all know how important it is to awe your dinner guests with your impressive kitchen prowess. They will be talking about you for weeks!

This is Trader Joe’s Spanish Olive Oil, which was written up in Bon Appetit as their #1 best tasting reasonably priced olive oil. It was in their steamy “Supermarket Standoff” expose from ‘11. Also shown is my favorite expensive olive oil, Ardoino Extra Virgin Olive Oil from Italy. Use only for visits from Barack Obama or Timothy Olyphant.

Photo by Julie Maigret

Photo by Julie Maigret

And Trader Joe’s Julienne Sliced Sun Dried Tomatoes In Olive Oil.

Photo by Julie Maigret

Photo by Julie Maigret

Grab some orange or lemon slices. This orange is from our tree that I almost asked my gardener to cut down last week WHAT WAS I THINKING?

Photo by Julie Maigret

Photo by Julie Maigret

I swear by Pink Himalayan Sea Salt, and it is rumored to be the healthiest of salts.

Photo by Julie Maigret

Photo by Julie Maigret

Can’t recommend these crackers highly enough. They are gluten free and will knock your socks AND your shoes off. Well worth the $8 price tag, imho.

Photo by Julie Maigret

Photo by Julie Maigret

Process:

Fill jar about 1/3 full with Olive Oil
Add 1 tablespoon of Balsamic Vinegar
Add freshly chopped Rosemary
Mix well
Add 2 citrus slices
Add finely chopped Feta cheese
Add chunky crushed garlic pieces
Mix well(er)
Add sundried tomatoes with some of the olive oil from the jar
Add about 1/2 teaspoon of salt (optional)
Mix well(est)
Fill the rest of the jar with Olive Oil, and additional Rosemary and citrus slices for effect

Photo by Julie Maigret Photo by Julie Maigret

It’s ready to serve right away, as it seems to instantly marinate.

Photo by Julie Maigret

Photo by Julie Maigret

Look at this gorgeousness:

Photo by Julie Maigret Photo by Julie Maigret

As long as the liquid covers everything, this should last in your fridge for a few weeks. The oil gets a bit congealed, which makes it less pretty, but makes it taste even better. Lose/Win.

And, did you know that sheep and goat’s milk cheese are often well tolerated by our lactose free friends? And enemies, too, I suppose. But screw them, am I right?

The gorgeous cheese board was made by my friend, C.C. Boyce. Her Etsy shop is here, and its spectacular.

And stunning plates are by Kate Spade.

Photo by Julie Maigret

Photo by Julie Maigret

Hope you like!

xoJ

All photos by Julie Maigret.

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Posted in Food, Party Planning, Recipes

Favorite ETSY Finds, Part 1

I so enjoy Etsy. You never know what you might find inside this Cyber Den of Uniquity.

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Like these 2 barstools I purchased last year and re-upholstered in this gorgeous slate grey leather. Wait a minute? (Shameless Bragging Alert) Are those the same barstools that reside in the Draper Residence? Why yes, they are.

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Just look at Don being a shitty father to Sally & Bobby & Gene as they breakfast on these super stylish stools.

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And being a shitty husband to Megan, as said barstools silently judge him. (This is not representative of what goes on in our house, btw.)

As much as I love Etsy, I do not, however, enjoy doing a search that yields 4,291 results to labor through. No matter how solid my resolve, I usually make it through about 1% of the results before getting distracted by something sparkly out of the corner of my eye. And I suspect I am not alone. So allow me to make things easier for you by sharing some of my über groovy finds in a series entitled “HJM’S Favorite Etsy Finds”. I realize I am not traveling uncharted territory here, but there are enough things on Etsy to keep hundreds of bloggers busy all year round. Some of my current faves:

Twiggy Watercolor

Twiggy Watercolor

Encouraging Print

Encouraging Print

Perfect next to your biggest mirror. I especially love that they used “You’re” properly because WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE?

Gold Faux Deer Antlers

Gold Faux Deer Antlers

Gold Table Top Rhino

Gold Table Top Rhino

FAUX TAXIDERMY!

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This adorable saying, of course, runs the risk of going the route of “Keep Calm and OMG I AM SO SICK OF EVERY INCARNATION OF THIS” but that’s what makes it cool.

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These Hooligan Pug and Hooligan Cat T-shirts. So damned cute I can barely stand it.

There you go. My Christmas List 2013. Stay tuned for more. xoj

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Posted in Favorite Finds

Look what’s back!

When the folks at Shu Uemura stopped carrying their amazing eyelash curlers in the U.S., I was sad. Very sad.

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But look what is back with a vengeance….the best eyelash curler ever.

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And I am not kidding. I curled my eyelashes last night around 8pm, and when I woke up this am, it was if the Eyelash Fairy had visited me in my sleep and bestowed her bountiful blessings upon me.

Creepy-cool.

It truly puts other curlers to shame. Even the highly rated Kevin Aucoin curler, which used to be great, but then one day became not good – like they suddenly moved production to China or something.

Side note alert:  check out this fascinating article about make-up artist Kevin Aucoin’s life and death.

I’m hoarding a few Shu Uemuras in case they discontinue them again. (Shudders.) You can find them on Amazon.

Good luck and happy curling. WE ARE ALL GONNA LOOK FABULOUS.

* SIDE NOTE: Just want to make sure everyone knows that eyelash curlers need to be replaced about every 2 months or so. I know, terrible for the environment. Terrible.

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Posted in Favorite Finds
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