Sometimes things live up to the hype. Like that time I met Jonathan Adler through a friend and he was super nice and funny and took my hand and told me I was “hilarious”.
Whenever I doubt my self worth or talent, I look at myself in the mirror, give myself the double finger guns and say, “Hey, Julie Maigret – do you think Jonathan Adler tells EVERYONE they’re hilarious?”
Herein, I have compiled a list of products that also live up to the hype. Because we all need a little help, yes? For example, most of us fantasize that we look like this when we wake up:
…but probably lean more towards this:
You guys, I strongly suspect that not even Kate Moss looks like Kate Moss in the morning.
So here are some products that might help you look less like that scary-as-shit girl from The Ring, who has haunted my dreams since 2002, until that Rubber Man from American Horror Story took her place circa 2011.
I usually only wear mascara when I think there is a remote possibility that I might run into Timothy Olyphant or Jamie Dornan. And if you doubt I will ever run into these guys, please note that my friend recently sat next to Dornan at a restaurant and was offered one of his fries. What a mensch!
Anyway, special occasions. I usually only wear mascara on special occasions. And I have tried tons of different kinds of mascara, and spent enough money on them to put at least one of my dogs through college.
But none of them really lived up to their promises, know what I mean? Lies, all lies.
Until I tried Urban Decay’s Supercurl Curling Mascara. Notice that it has an average rating of 5 stars…out of 5. I AM RIGHT AGAIN.
It’s just perfection. It’s a rich, dark black, curls lashes instead of weighing them down, and lasts for hours. I don’t know how they do it. Black magic?
This little gem received so much hype and publicity, that I finally decided to try it. And it is amazing. I can’t believe I lived without it for so long – I must have been hideous…how could you all even look at me? I’m so sorry. Anyway, it blends your foundation so perfectly, it’s weird. Again with the Black Magic.
Just make sure you wash it after you use it; every single time.
First, lets get this fact out of the way: this toothpaste costs $10 – $13 a tube. If you feel like it’s not quite snotty enough for you, the Marvis website (it has its own website) calls it “Contemporary Toothpaste”. It’s made in Italy, and their website further boasts: “Marvis stands out on account of its trendy image with an increasingly up-to-date, original and ironic flavor, inspired by the art and fashion worlds, capable of capturing and involving a spellbound public, who is curious and open-minded.”
I HATE MYSELF FOR LOVING THIS TOOTHPASTE.
But they’re actually right. Its delicious. It’s also very pretty. I’ve been tempted to serve it to dinner guests for dessert.
Note: I whole heartedly endorse the Strong Mint, the Whitening, and the Cinnamon Mint. Avoid the Aquatic Mint, because, for some reason, it tastes like minty rotting cantaloup.
To go along with your new toothpaste, here is a dapper, bad ass electric toothbrush.
It’s got 6 brushing modes that make you feel like you’ve had a professional cleaning at your handsome dentist’s office.
This puts other electric toothbrushes to shame. It’s so powerful, it’s scary. It even includes different color-coded brushes so you can share with family members. Even though there is a strong chance that your significant other will insist his is red. AGAIN. THE RED ONE IS MINE.
It even has a tongue cleaning mode, that will put your gag reflexes to the ultimate test. I love/hate it.
Okay, this stuff has its good points and its bad points.
It absorbs oil and adds volume to your ‘do. A lot of volume. We’re talking Betty Draper-level volume. Do not up-do without this prize of a product!
But….it makes your roots white. Sad, but true. But then again, it’s technical name is White Hair Powder. (pause for effect.) So make sure you just add it to the under layers of your hair, and tousle it really well, like you’re in this awesome Pantene commercial.
At least the white version (for blondes) makes your hair white…not sure about how the other colors work, for darker hair, but the reviews are divided and controversial. Danger! Intrigue!
I’ve tried other brands but they smell bad and make me sneeze like I’m allergic to my own head. Which, in this case, I am.
It’s a bit pricey and the bottle doesn’t last too long, and if you use it too often, it can be drying on your hair….but we are often made to suffer for beauty, so there’s no use adding this to the long list of things I am crying about these days.
But be forewarned; you may never wash your hair again, and that’s gross.
Go forth and be beautiful and broke, my friends. At least we don’t have to wear corsets anymore.